There are times when I feel as if my life is nothing but one futile attempt after another at having some sort of a 'real' life. Do you ever feel that way, or is it just me?
Upon further examination, the logical voice in my head (who I rarely listen to) told me this is simply because I'm in that "in-between" time... The time between college and career... The time between single and married... between being a young woman and a mother...
A feeling of disbelief followed this train of thought. My life is happening right now. It's always happening, every moment.. the idea that I'm somehow suspended in limbo for a few years after college seems unrealistic. Further, to think that my life doesn't really 'begin' til I have a career and am married with kids enrages me.
How come a life is only of value if we accomplish certain things? Who decided this? So my life won't really be worth living until I find some dude to marry and pop out a few kids? Until I choose some company to work for? Now I'm angry and confused.
Don't I matter just a little bit? Is my life not of value in itself? I have to go achieve some stuff in order to matter?
Maybe this quest for a 'real' life is nothing but a big fat illusion. Some fabricated notion to mask the fact that we're just afraid. Afraid to live our actual lives, full of uncertainty, and joy and sadness, and unbearable pain at times. Full of anticipation of things that may never come. Where our parents are insane and our boyfriends (or lack thereof) disappoint us. Where we disappoint ourselves sometimes. Basically, where nothing is perfect.
If we focus on chasing this 'perfect' life, this 'real' life, then we don't have to accept the life we do have. With all its imperfections and confusion.. where nothing is set in stone, and there's nothing we can do about it.
I think I found my answer. Accept your actual life. It may not be perfect, but at least it's real. It's happening right now! And even though things may suck at this moment, the beauty of it is, it could change any minute now... All you can do is put yourself out there and hope for the best.. Try.